Let's be fair, you all have a lot on your plate right now. Lets list your problems, you know, for smuggish sake of predictability.
- You have learnt that turkeys are not microwavable and that duck is not an appropriate substitute.
- Making small talk at the office Christmas party is not your forte.
- Neither is keeping your hands on the employed side of your bosses partner (sorry, I had to).
- You cant for the life of you find the number 11 on your advent calendar.
- You've just inadvertently agreed to owing an advent calendar.
- Boxing day means a game of Russian roulette at the relatives; waiting to see which relative got you the ugly jumper this year.
- It's almost (probably), (definitely) your fault that your partner is a size 8 in one shop and a size 10 in another, only adding to the impossibility of gift buying.
- And to add to it, your masculinity is under severe scrutiny as you are expected to know vehicle-related snow preparation techniques that would baffle Nasa.
It's not going well for you.
By the way, have you got your Christmas outfit done and dusted? You know, your Christmas outfit? Come on, it's a term thrown around in excess at this time of year. Its a term (pause to allow feminists to leave the room...) women love to throw around. An ordinary outfit from your wardrobe will not suffice. No, no, no. This outfit has to have been blessed by Santa himself, approved by the cardinal congregation and err well within the blurred lines of its definition. Every year men pray for a store that displays a Christmas outfit department; like that Ferrari, Santa never delivers. Ouch, festive cynicism.
So you can sack the idea of getting those orange counter-girls to help you. Goggle wont help you much either. Touch up the keyboard long enough to ask "what is a Christmas outfit" and it will nudge you in the direction of showing up to any festive do dressed as a sugarplum fair or yuletide log. The term 'Christmas outfit' is a dogma but its a doctrine we are going to unravel and stick two fashionable fingers up at any woman who assumes we know any less than they condescendingly do. Oh yeah, ho ho ho and all that.
A Christmas outfit should be picking up on the warm feelings of the seasonal goodwill (yeah, all that stuff). Its Feng shui on a hanger. Women's propaganda will tell you if its not done right it will look sh*t. Sneering at a festive outfit choice leaves you in the position that you may as well have slapped your grandmother for buying you an over-sized Toblerone for the fourth year running. You really want to do it but it just isn't done, unless you're Scrooge (or really hate either Toblerone or you Nan respectively).
The Christmas outfit is often given considered thought however, it should be given no more thought than your occasional wear. This applies to those who often are consciously careless with their choices on a day-to-day basis. I should probably be yearning you to try harder but frankly, why look good for one or two days of the year and come Monday go back to your lucky dip tie technique?
The Christmas outfit, along with any other protocol wear (weddings, funerals, black tie etc.) is for the considered because only the considered are giving it the consideration. By reading this you are the considered, so well done. Now, look around you right now: office, train, tube restaurant, bar - its full of the considered-less right?